i’m certain that you are just as big a fan of the new bands in the metalcore genre of music as i am, drawn in by many of its appealing factors, including:

• heavy use of autotune and vocoders
• whiny lyrics
• sissy-looking tight pants
• idiotic techno break downs
• tame as hell guitar

and many many others. bands like this one, brought to my attention by steve k:

thank you steve.

as so, internet, you might be surprised to learn that some older metalheads have a hard time taking this genre seriously and refer to it as Crab Core. i have made these original content gifs using the above video in order to help explain it. please use them wisely.

(mac users: my safari renders gifs too slowly. if the bouncy bouncy isn’t bouncy-ing as well as it should, use firefox)

lyrics:

I can’t tolerate your sadness

Cause it’s me you are drowning (You’re drowning me)
I won’t allow (allow) any happiness
Cause everytime you laugh, I feel so (so weak)… guilty (guilty)
I feel so guilty

Am I forced to have any regret
I’ve become the lie, beautiful and free
In my righteous own mind
I adore and preach the insanity you gave to me

Oh, sell me the infection, it is only for the weak
No need for a sympathy, the misery that is me

I’ve lost the ability to paint the clouds
Cause it’s me you’re draining (You’re draining me)
I’m stuck in this slow-motion dark tale
Cause everytime you run, I fall (fall).. behind (behind)
I fall behind

And so I hear my voice again
The tale of the bitter man there I am
Shake the silence and hear what it says
The tranquil pride that become the lie

Oh, sell me the infection, it is only for the weak
No need for a sympathy, the misery that is me

ok, here we go:

• you are drowning me, which is why i can’t tolerate your sadness (lines 1-2). you are probably drowning me in your sadness. fair enough.
• i won’t allow happiness because when you’re happy it makes me weak and guilty (lines 3-5)
• since i tolerate neither happiness or sadness, i expect you to have no strong emotions either way since they make me feel guilty and overpower me
• i am apparently profoundly emotionally unstable and have no emotional borders to call my own
• i might be forced to have regrets, but i’m not sure. i apparently would rather not have to have a conscience unless i really have to, implying my higher emotional functions are tied to societies expectations of me, as if society could really check if i feel regretful for some of my actions.(line 6)
• i am a also now a lie and have been driven insane by you. most probably by your happiness and sadness, those “mood” things. (lines 7-9)
• i am however righteous in my own head where i totally believe the various ‘insane’ world views you gave me. these i’m ok with, but not with the emotions from line 1-4. (line 8 )
• sell me your infection, that you already have, which is only for weak people. i will now remind you that i am weak because you’re happy, which i don’t want you to be, meaning i don’t want to be weak, but i still want the infection that is for weak people. i am very confused as to that i want. (line 10)
• no need for sympathy for the misery that is me. really. i am miserable, and i’m telling you that i’m miserable, but please, i insist don’t feel sympathy for poor old miserable me. really. also, don’t be happy or sad, back from verse 1. (line 11)
• i’ve lost the ability to paint clouds because you’re draining me. apparently i used to be an artist, back before you insisted on being happy and sad, or maybe before i started adoring your insanity, or maybe before i decided i wanted to be infected as a weak person (lines 12-13)
• i am now trapped in a ‘slow-motion dark tale’, which implies i’m in a bad place, however i adore being insane in my righteous mind, so i’m both trapped in a bad place and happy to be in a good place (lines 14-16  + 8-9)
• at this point i hear myself again and i am a bitter man recounting my tale. so i’m only sort of in a good place, and i’m mostly in a bad place like in lines 14-16. (lines 17-18)
• tranquil pride has become a lie (line 20). we’re not positive whose pride this is, but before it said that i became a lie (line 7), so it’s probably my tranquil pride.
• i here point out that i want more infection for my weakness, but please don’t feel sad for horribly mistreated me (lines 21-22)CONCLUSIONS:
• your emotions have made me into a nervous wreck
• i went totally insane and am very happy now
• i am very unhappy now, but please infect me to keep it that way
• i’m drained of my art abilities
• i am unhappy

you know guys… you, children of bodom, and everyone else in the scene: it’s perfectly ok to sing in a language where you’re not just stringing random strings emotionally charged phrases culled from a 14-year-old’s diary

CoB almost got their own analysis post, but what can you really add to:

You can alter your look
And diversify your image
But the truth seems like
A bitch slap in your face

don’t diversify your image, bitches.